The time is 0020, and I just can't sleep. I'm not tired. Spent the last hour or so watching 'undressed' on MTV. That is a realy fucked up show, but somehow keeps my attention. Mostly because it's just a bunch of little segments stuck together of diffrent things. Totaly diffrent plots, but all based on relationships/sex. The relationship part is what intrests me. They potray all of these diffrenty 'new age' type of relationships. I assume to make people more accepting of them. I realy don't know what to think myself. For the most part I just don't care. If it doesn't directly involve me, it's not my problem.

Today was easter (or yesterday, depending on how you look at it). Had dinner at my parents house, and the rest of the local famialy showed up. 8 hours of chatting, and wandering around being bored. The standard ritual for a holaday like this. LOL, I'm still wondering about why we bother to celebrate it like we do. Eastery, the rebirth of christ. Fuck, dead is dead... You can proibably tell I realy don't belive in god, or any of that other bullshit. It's just a form of control. One of the first types of government. What better way to get people to behave than tell them that if they don't, they will go to a realy hot place and burn forever after they die? It works, it works very well. But since it runs off of fear, it's not a very good solution to the problem. Thier realy isn't a good solution to the problem at all. Or, yet...

Hmm, I don't actualy have to be anywhere till 1730 tommorow anyway, so staying up a bit like this isn't going to hurt me too bad. Other than my sleep scedule in general. The only thing I dread, is the 0800 this week. That means I have to be up by ~0500 so I can get ready, and drive to work. Oh well...I'll get through it.

Other things on my mind...

Sex, have you ever thought about it? Not the feelings, but the mechanics of it. Rubbing bits of flesh agenst each other till some sort of pleasure comes about. Bits of flesh that are otherwise used to excrete waste material that's consitered very putred in nature. The kind of thing bad jokes are made out of.

If you haven't had sex yet, I advise waiting till you find somebody special to share the experice with. Promiscious sex tends to make it somehow less 'special'. I'm not shure why, maby because it becomes a routine thing. Go on date, have dinner, see movie, fuck. The whole idea of getting into a standard routine scares the hell out of me. I've done it before, I have a bad habbit of doing it.

Thier are a lot of other things to consider also. Once you know what it's like to have sex, you will want it again, and again, and again. Trying to get it from any source you can, without concern. This is a very bad thing! It's like the best drug in the world. A legal high. Not to mention free (excluding hookers). Well, ususaly free. But if things work out just right, it can become quite expensive. Hehe, getting pregnant is not for the faint of heart.

Life in general.

Where is life leading? I've got a desent paying job that I rather enjoy, and it's a good thing to have on my resume. I'm getting to do the things I've wanted to do for the longest time. Play with expensive computers, and actualy get paid for fixing things/ helping people. It makes me feel good inside. But, I dunno thier is something missing. Heh, I know exactly what it is...I'll cover that in the next bit. I love the fact that when I get off work, I can go to the coffeehouse, or some other place and sit and write. Talk to people I don't know, and just in general have a social life. Soical life :) I've never realy been very good with those before, being a social recluse in general. Maby I'll get the hang of it one day.

What's missing?

This is a simple answer. I want somebody to share my life with, somebody I can snuggle up with, and who will listen. I want somebody who I can listen to also, somebody who I can care about.

This seems like something I just can't find. All the girls I've been in relationships with didn't work out. Thier was just something missing/wrong. I can't point a finger on it, but maby the best word is 'compromise'. Ironicly this has nothing to do with sex. That's something I've had little intrest in for quite some time now. It's just too much of a bother. Sex tends to complicate things way too much. I just don't want to deal with that right now.

Thier comes a diffrence between sleeping with someone, and having sex. I'd much prefer to sleep with someone I care about. Snuggle, and be friendly, but not do anything inapropriate. Just be happy to be in the others close presense. It's a thing that's very hard to explain to somebody without sounding like a wierdo.

The other problem is that my standards are pretty strict. The girl needs to be about my hight/weight (I fear being crushed, and don't like to bend over, or up). Also high intelegence is inportant. It's nice to be able to talk about things that I understand, and have good responces. Also, general chitchat tends to bore me to no end. Then the final one (almost) involves reasonably good heath. This also includes heradity. I don't want to waste my genes on second rate material. Finaly comes the real last one. She needs to be over 18. (due to legal reasons).

The last one is where I kina have problems. Most the girls I know are under that age, I'm not exactly shure why. But they tend to just be more fun to talk with. Not held back by so many inhabitions. Not nearly as obbsesed with sex. Much more honest, and not into playing 'love' games. Also comes in the whole desire to learn. Most people stop realy learning just before school gets over, or soon after. Thier desire for it just goes to nothing. For the most part, I attribuite this to the way the school system is currently setup. But that's not all of it.

If you remember back, the normal lifespan for a person before the advent of modern medicine was about 30-40. And, 40 was a realy old man. Most people where having kids by age 15 or so. I think this is one of the reasons our level of tech has gone up so fast in recent years. As soon as the lifespan was basicly doubled people had a *lot* of free time on thier hands. They had to find something to do with it...and thustly we get trains/plaines/automobiles. Not to mention a lot of other things.

But, remember that bad comes right along with good. One can't exist without the other. They are two sides of a coin. So, we have a lot of people with way too much free time on thier hands. People also tend to enjoy having problems. It's some sort of preverse, and twisted thing. They create them to occupy thier time. Case in point 'jerry springer'. The only reason this guy is so popular...too much free time for a lot of people, and shock value sells.

What's left on this planet to conquer? At this point, we are virtualy masters of our envorment. Hehe, but still fully dependant on it for survial. Spending a lot of our time makeing a huge mess of it. Before long (20-200 years) we will have used up most of the fossil fuels. Then we will have to drasticly chage the way our lives work. This is mostly true for the USA.

The USA only has a small percentage of the worlds population, but uses like 90% of the resources. This is a country of consumption. All without remorse, not even a second thought to the effects. It's truely sad.

Is thier anybody who cares? Come on now, I hear your feeling down, but I can ease you pain, get you on your feet again. Relax, I need some information first. Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts? Thier is no pain you are reciving. A distant ships smoke on the horzion. You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move but I can't hear what your saying. When I was a child I had a fever. My hands felt just like two ballons. Now I've got that feeling once again, I can't explain you would not understand this is not how I am. I have become comfterbly numb. I have become comfterbly numb. Ok, just a little pin prick. Thier will be no more... But you will feel a littl sick, can you stand up? I do belive it's working. It will keep you going for the show. I belive it's time to go. Thier is no pain you are reciving. The distant ships smoke on the horision. you are only coing through in waves. Your lips move but I can't hear what your saying. When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimps out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look but it was gone, I cannot put my finger on it now. The child is gone, the dream is gone. I have become comfterbly numb.

That was unexpected

Life, what are we living for? Why keep pushing? What's the final goal?

Do you know how to pretend? - spoken

Yes - voice 2

Do you know how to cry? - spoken

Yes - voice 2

Do you want to try? - spoken

Yes - voice 2

Refrain

Do you belive in god - spoken

Yes

Are you willing to die for your god? - spoken

Yes

What kind of god is this your willing to die for? - spoken

Well...

Refrain

God is my shepard, treats me well

If your bad, you'll burn in hell

Do the things he says, you will

Keep faith, just like a pill

Refrain

He's my god, he's your god

Dedicate your life to god

But, remember the small g

Fuck this, I gotta pee -- said in discust

After that last line the song just suddenly stops.