Some days I feel like I've just plain had it with lusers. It makes me want to say things like the following.

Tech: "Thank you for calling the very big, and evil internet company. How can I help you?"

Luser: "Uhh, I can't connect! You have got to help me!"

Tech: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Luser: "It's a 19 inch!"

Tech: "Hmm, that must be one of those new ones, does it have windows on it too?"

Luser: "Uhh, yah. I think I've got windows 97"

Tech: "Cool, this will be easy to fix. Are you ready?"

Luser: "Yah, want me to right click on the desktop?"

Tech: "Hell no, I want you to click your left mouse button on the 'start' menu. The button on the left side of the mouse."

Luser: "It brought something up!"

Tech: "Click on 'shutdown, then restart in msdos mode."

Luser: "The screen went all black!"

Tech: "Ok, now we have to run some special software on your computer to make it pure again. Kina the same as your sister isn't."

Luser: "Will this take long? I've got to have this paper done in an hour?"

Tech: "Nah, not long, and it won't hurt a bit. Muahaha"

Luser: "Why are you laughing like that?"

Tech: "Now type in format c: It will probably pop up some erros, just tell it yes a lot."

Luser: "This is going fast! It's already at 50%, when it's at 100 does that mean it's done?"

Tech: "Almost, when it says it's done, hit ctl+alt+delete. Then it's fixed."

Luser: "Cool man, you have been a big help. What's your name?"

Tech: "My name is bob. If you have any problems, call me back."

*click*

It didn't take the luser long to call back. Luckey our bob didn't get the call, but her overheard the other techs half of it.

Tech2: "Non system disk error? It says that? You need to take your computer to a computer repair shop. We arn't trained to deal with that kind of problem here."

Tech2: "Sir, stop yelling. Sir, sir!"

Tech2: "Ok, who told you to do this?"

Tech2: "Bob eh? Which one?"

Tech2: "You don't know?"

Tech2: "Sir, this is the very big and evil internet company. Everybody here is named bob. If you don't know thier bob ID code I can't find out who helped you last."

Tech2: "No, that won't help either. All the techs here are evil jerks. It's one of the things they look for when hireing us."

Tech2: "Sir, you may not speak to a manager! If you want to file a formal complaint you will have to dial back in, then dial them. You will find them under option 666."

Tech2: "Your sure you want to do that? I mean, they are even more evil than we are."

Tech2: "Oh, your going to sue us? Go for it, I've yet to see one of you punks walk in here with a lawywer."

Tech2: "My mom? Fuck you, fuck you! Nobody talks about my mom like that. Just for that I'm going to tell the rest of the bobs here to give you more trouble if you call."

Tech2: "Sir, I'm just doing my job as part of the very big and evil internet company. You don't want to see me get fired over a little thing like this, right?"

Tech2: "Oh, you do. Fine."

*click*

Yep, that's how I imagine it going some days. If only...

But in all reality I only have one thing in mind when a client calls up. Getting them off the phone. The best way to do it involves solving thier problem, otherwise they will keep calling back.

Granted there are some problems we just won't touch. Sometimes people understand. Though rarely.

If I'm in a good mood, and some luser calls up with a non internet related question I may answer it. Or, more likely tell them who they could call.

If I know them to be a good client it makes all the diffrence.

EOF