In this file I will show you how bad tech support can really be. The luser will be in a normal font, the tech will be in bold, and the techs thoughts will be in red.

Ring

Ring

Hmm, better answer that...

Hello.

Is this tech support?

What extension did you dial?

Tech support

Then the answer should be obvious

Can you help me?

Depends on the problem. What's going on?

I can't connect to the internet!

What does it do?

It doesn't connect!

Idiot

How do you connect?

I click on Outlook Express

Does it give you any error messages?

Yah, lots.

What do they say?

How do you expect me to do that? I can't be on the internet, and talk to you at the same time!

Can you give me a general description of what they said?

It kept asking for my password.

Ok. Open up outlook express.

I can't do that! I'm on the phone!

Trust me, you can. Open Outlook Express

It's open, but thier are lots of errors on the screen. I'll read them off! Unable to find host MAIL.INTERNETLUSER.COM...

I don't need those now, lets check through some settings. Just click 'hide'.

Ok

No, go to 'tools' on the menu bar, then select 'accounts'.

Where is that?

See the top of the window where it says 'file', 'edit'...?

No.

It's at the top of the screen.

Oh!

Got the accounts window open?

Yah, want me to click on 'add'?

NO! Click on the tab called 'mail'.

With the right, or left button?

Left

It brings up a menu that says 'what's this'!

Which button are you clicking?

The left one...

How many buttons do you have?

Umm, two.

Ok, try clicking the other one.

Ok

Now, double click on your mail account. The one in the list.

It brought up another screen

Good, what's it show as your email address?

shitforbrains@ineternetlusers.com

Exelent, click on the tab called 'servers'

Ok

What do you have for your incoming, and outgoing servers?

pop3, and smtp.

Argh!

Is that ok?

No, make them say 'mail.internetlusers.com', they should both say that.

Ok

Ready?

No, I'm still typing.

Soon as your done, let me know.

I'm going to get some coffee, she will be at this for a bit

I'm done!

Good, can you read them back off to me?

Yah, they say mail@internetlusers.com, what's next?

No, they should say mail.internetlusers.com. the @ symble only belongs in an email address...and this is not an email address.

Fixed

What do you have in the box that says 'account'?

It says shitforbrains@internetlusers.com.

Remove the @, and everything after it. That is not part of your username.

Ok

Hit 'Ok'

Shouldn't I hit apply first?

Doesn't matter to me

I'm going to hit apply, what next?

Click 'Ok' like I said in the first place.

I still have this screen up!

The accounts one? Just close it.

It doesn't have an ok?!

Click the X in the upper right hand corner.

It drops down a little menu thingie, and won't let me click on close.

On the *right* hand side.

Ok, it's closed.

Close Outlook Express

Now I'm back to my icons.

Double click on the 'my computer' icon.

Where is that?

It's in the upper left hand corner of your screen.

Uhh, got it.

Now, double click on 'dialup networking'

Ok, do you want me to click on 'make new connection' now?

No, click the right mouse button on 'internet lusers', then click 'propertys'.

Ok

What phone number do you have in the box?

555-1212

Hmm, I don't know that number. what is it?

Mine, of course.

Change it to 555-2121, you need to have our dialup number in there. Not your number.

Ok, do I need the -?

I don't care.

I took it out.

Now, thier is a checkbox two lines down. It says something about dialing with the area code, or country code. Is that checked?

I've got my screen name in there

FUCK!

Click cancel

k

Now, click the *RIGHT* mouse button *ONE* time on the 'internet lusers' icon.

ok

What came up on your screen?

Want me to hit connect?

NO, what else is in the list?

Umm, 'create shortcut, delete..'

Ok, your in the right place. Click the left mouse button on 'propertys'. What does that bring up?

I got another screen up.

Does it have *your* phone number in it?

Yah

Now, replace your number with our's it's 555-2121.

Do I need the -?

If you want, yes.

Should I put the area code in?

No, you will find a checkbox two lines down. Is that checked our not?

Yah, can I hit ok?

Uncheck the box.

The area code went away!?

As it should, would you dial the area code when you dial a local number on you telephone?

Hmm, she probably would

No

Then you don't need to dial the area code for us. We are a local call.

Now, click on the tab called 'network'.

It's got lots of stuff in it!

Read off what's checked.

Lugon to network

Uncheck it

Enable software comparason

Good

Should I uncheck that one too?

No, leave it checked, go to the next one...

Nothing else in here is checked.

What about 'TCP/IP'?

Oh, yah it's checked.

Any others

SPX backslash LPX, and net b e u i.

Uncheck IPX/SPX, and NETbeui.

Got them.

Now, click 'Ok'

Should I hit apply first?

I could care less

I hit apply, and it didn't do anything!

Click 'Ok', like I said in the first place...

I'm back to 'make a new connection, and internet lusers'.

Again, click the right mouse button on 'internet lusers', then click 'create shortcut'. It will bring up an error message, tell it yes.

It brought up an error message that says 'Windows cannot create a shortcut here, would you like winodws to make one on the desktop?'

Yes

It didn't do anything!?

Don't worry about it, close those windows.

How?

Click all the little X's

I'm back to my icons!

Now, click on the 'start' menu, then select settings, and finaly control pannel.

I don't have a start menu.

Yes you do, it's on the bottom of your screen, it has 'start' written on it.

OH!

Got the control pannel open?

Yah, it's got icons in it.

Yes, find the one called 'network', then double click on it.

I don't have that one!? I've got 'Accesability, add remove programes...'

Do not read those off, I already know whats in there. Find the one called 'network', you may have to scroll down a bit to find it.

How do I do that?

You push the 'page down' button on they *keyboard*

Found it!

Now, double click on it.

It brought up a new screen.

Can you read off the list of adapters, and protocals?

Client for microsoft networks

Client for netware networks

Dial up adapter

TCP backslash IP

slash, not a fucking backslash

Add

Remove

Stop, that's enough. Double click on 'TCP/IP'.

It says 'what's this'!

Double click the *left* mouse button on the 'TCP/IP'

It brought up an error, I'm going to read it off to you...

NO! I already know what it says, click 'OK'!

Optain IP address automagicly is checked

Go to the tab called 'WINS', and tell me what's checked in there.

Uhh, nothing is checked.

Check 'Disable WINS resolution'.

Ok.

Now, click 'Ok'.

I hit apply, and nothing happend.

Now click 'Ok'.

Can I close this window with the X?

Now click 'OK'.

Got it

Click 'OK' Again.

The network thing went away!

It's supposto, a dialog will come up that says something about windows rebuilding a driver information database.

Umm, an error just poped up that says something about rebuilding something.

Yes

Now it wants me to restart my computer, what should I do!?

Tell it yes, and when it comes back on...give it another try.

Are you going to stay with me while I try it?

No, you can't be on the phone, and use the internet at the same time...

Oh, well if it doesn't work, I'm going to call you back with my cell phone.

I am so going to take a nice long shit after this...

Thanks!

*click*

Just as a reminder, when you call tech support, don't be an idiot. We hate them. Also, don't have your screaming kid in your lap, you know how much that makes our day? It doesn't.

Hmm, also to mention. When talking to us, don't spend half your time yelling at your bratty kids. If you can't keep them under control without yelling, you have little hope of ever using a computer well.

Also remember, the techs are god. Don't piss them off, it will just make your life that much less fun.

Can you tell that I hate lusers? Hehe!

EOF