this whole array of events confuses me to no end, I am forced to take my
tennants to court, so they will fucking move out, and I am not shure if
that will help.  It should.  I sit here mere hours before the trial,
waiting to see what happens.  It makes me wonder who is on trial in this
case.  Enough of that boring drivel.  I have of late had strange urges
again.  not realy bad urges, but strange.  I lack companionship in my
life, and have found no way to deal with the problem, only ways to make it
lessoned.  If thier could be a soulution I would take it.  But I simply
cannot seek companionship with just anybody, they have to meet a few
standards before I will give them the time of day for that pourpous.  They
must be highly intelligent, have a well taken care of body, good genetics,
and due to being over eighteen, must been over eighteen.  Now, these
things are a bit harder to find than one might think.  Many people have
met one, or two of these qualifacations, but to this day, I have only met
2-3 that have met more than 2 of them.  The first one didn't down out due
to personality conflicts, the second one I will get into later, and the
third one seemed to be taken already.  The second one is the one that is
bothering me right now.  not her in it'self, but thoughts of her keep
hampering my thougts.  I cannot make them go awway.  That would be too
simple as it where.  I wake up sweating thinking about the last discussion
I had with her, witch consisted of lots of typing.  It confuses me to no
end.  It confuses me because it is not a simple black and white situation.
I can deal with yes/no situations with great ease, but ones that have grey
in them I have a bit of trouble, and ones that are ranbow colored I cannot
fathom to understand.  This is a rainbow type situation.  I am not wwell
suited fo such as this.  Never was.  I was raidsed in a blackand white
family, and just never got taught it.  The whole thing boils down to the
fact that I don't know how she feels about me, other than the general
idea, and that's even a bit shakey.  It was not shakey untill recently,
but now it is, and that confuses/depresses me.  I sit in my mind, and
think of all the good times we have had together, and all the things we
had discussed, and wonder how she could just say GO AWAY.  But since she
has not given me an answer, I assume that's what she has said, and that is
truely sad.  It brings me to tears .  She is the only person I have truely
loved for the right reasons, or, what I think are the right reasons.  The
first relationship I had was simply based on phisical attraction, with
little regard to much else, but this one was diffrent, it was/is/maybe
baised on the mind.  The only realy inportant thing in this world.  I have
never been phiscacly attracted to her much, granted she is stageringly
bueatifual, but that is just my opinion, when I stand back, and think
about it, she is cute, but not that impressive, but that is irrolovent.
And, the other thing that sets her aside from the rest, is I have never
thought about sex with her, it's kinda ambiguis.  I have had dreams that
got close, but they never actualy got there, on 2-3 occasions those dreams
happend, and each time, she was the one who woke me up, right when the
dream was going to get daingerous, I see this as more than conicunidince.
Most of muy dreams about her involve sitting at a resturant of verying
types, and discusing the state of the world, or sitting on a couch
watching old movies snuggled together.  And others involve going camping,
and the like.  Nothing realy that impressive.  The most sexual any of them
had actualy gotten where some firmly planted kisses.  One of the first
ones that scared the hell out of me comes to mind right now, it involved
me dressed up in armor, and she was locked up in a castle.  After rescuing
her, and bring her to safty, we went back to my room, and then I woke up
(by her).  That brings in the whole knight in shining armor thing, and
that's kina wierd for me to think about, since I am not normaly a noble
person.  I do things that benifit me, becuse they bennifit me.  Granted,
a great deal fo the bennifit I get, is the relif of brodem.  That's the
main reason I do computer tech support, because in general, it's not all
that boring, and it's a nice change from being a bum, and as an addes
bonus, I can make enough money ot liv off of doing it.  So, that covers a
great deal of the bases, but not the one that is currently haperning me.
I hve thougth about praying for a solution to apear, but than have decided
that since I realy don't bhave much in the way of a religious belife
system, that would be pointless, and since what I do hafe of a religious
beliff system is pretty messed up I dont think it would help much at all.
I have asked freinds for advice, and got varying answers, one person says
to say fuck it, and look for someone lse, and another sais to put it on
the back burner for a few years (the most promising), and others say
that's just dumb in general.  I don't know what is right, and worng in
theis situation, it is way too rainbow for me.  My whole body has tensed
up from writing this.  My head kkeeps jerking from one side of my pillow
to the other for no apparant reason.  Other thhat to alieviate the stress
that is on the ear.  And, it seems to be happening at simi-regular
intervals.  I love trhis keyboard, it's nice and loud, makes nice clicking
sounds....I wish all keyboards did this.  danm, 5483 charecters so far,
that's quite a few letters to type, wonder what my WPM is right now,
proobably pretty hight, but my error rate is probaly also perretty hight.
I wish I had access to a good davorik keyboard, they are much more
efficent to type on, since the letters you actualy use are located on the
home row.  The actualy reason the qwerty keyboard is laed ot in such a
strange way is to slow down your typeing.  Since the old manual typeriters
would jam up if you typed too fast on them.  And for some reason the kept
the keybord laywout, and usd it for the computers.  Totaly dumb move if
you ask me.  The leaning curv fo davorik is not that hight, 2 weeks, and a
person is fully set with it, suure you get a bit of down time, but after
that, it's all much more efficent, for the rest of the persons life.  I
dont' think I'm getting muchh in the way of sleep tonnite, this suck very
much....