At this point, I have regressed into anger/fear. Not a fun place to be, but at least it has the added bonus of keeping me warm in this cold weather. Not so much keeps me warm, but keeps me from noticing how fucking cold it is outside. Times like this make me wish I could just curl up, and die. But I know that is not an option. I am destine to walk the earth forever. Never actualy having a home, just a place to sleep from time to time. It is very sad. I am also sad to say that I can never return to beatrice. heh, spent enough time trying to escape from thier. I cannot smolder for much longer, for thier is not much left to burn. Not much at all. Luckely, I don't have much to pack back up into the car. I am thinking that it might be a good idea to go to florida, or someplace like that, and be a bum. It may work well. Some times I wish I simply didn't exist. But that is a hope that can never come. Fortunatly I have had experence with things like this in the past. Helps me to deal with it. I now know what don is going through at this point in life. I feel for him. I wish I could get ahold of him now. Thoughts of disapearing tonnite come to mind. But those are impossible. The soonest I could leave is tommorow morning. I wish I had all the answers. I now know that I will have them. It will just be a matter of time. More time than I want to spend. Much too much time has been spent searching. Now, more time has to be spent searching. I will be searching forever. Or, so it seems. Cold, and lonely. Thier is nothing worse. I would rather be tied to the rack, or be hung. At lest those would have a small chance of ending. But this has no chance of it. The few times I am not lonly last for such short times. The only person I can trust right now is don. The odd part of that relationship is the fact that I am his guide, but I have no guide. I don't trust anyone enough. I trust nobody enough for full access. Don has the highest security clearance of them all. Another funny thing, I am yet to fuck a girl over 18. That might change, but I see little hope of it. I realy don't care too much at this point. I wish I had headphones. That would make this much more enjoyable. For myself, and others. Now that I am scared enough, it all comes down to you, communications rarely open. I'm afraid to make descisions, that is where you come in. I look to you as my friend. Where whould I be without my PC, where whoud I be without MTV, where whould I be without CNN, where would I be without IBM. I feel that I am going to be looking to my computer as my friend again. My only fully trusted friend. It doesn't care what I do, who I fuck, or what information I know. Tis the only thing that I can trust with everything. Right now what I want most, is to go and get realy, realy drunk. It would improve my thinking. Or not. Maby just give me a place to hide for a while. These feelings I am having right now suck. sucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksuck a lot. Hindsight will get me nowhere. Hell, it dosn't even make me feel any better. Other thoughts come up. Killing the most evil being in this time period. Bill gates. Right now I'm in the mood to just drive to redmond, WA, and put a bullet through his fucking head. I don't know what to do. The offer stands to hang around here for a bit longer. But that offer is an empty one, for she wants me to stay about as much as I want to stay. I only have 200$ to my name. That will be enough to get to PA, but not much past that. When I get there, I must get work, anywhere. It dosn't matter where. Not at this point. I can't stay here. I am now looking at a 24 hour timeframe of departure...actualy more like 16 hours to be truthfull. Need smoke. Thankfully I did not freak out at the house. Simply nodded my head, and said shure, whatever, since the answer has been there for several days now. I didn't want that answer, but it came anyway. I do not wish to give this information to anyone, but I must consult don about the next plan of action. I want this to end. But it can't, not yet. The last people I wish to tell are my parents. I belive that they will be disapointed. The thoughts are comeing faster than I can type. In all shapes and sizes...also in many forms. At least I have found some of the answers. I hate them, but at least I am not ignorant anymore. Not knowing sucks. It sucks more than knowing. And, that realy sucks sometimes. I don't know how most of the population carrys on as it does. They just live thier fucking stupid lives, not knowing what the fuck they are doing, where the fuck they are going, and why the fuck they are doing it. They are all fucking idiots. I hate them...Fucking stupidity. Fucking stupidity everywhere, I hate it...ozone pilot. I think the end of the world would be an interesting change, maby I should work to gain that. But, it would probably be just as boring as anything else. Just fucking boring. Being bored sucks. As soon as my battery goes dead, I'm going to give don a call. I belive I have enough change for a few minuits. I hate this. I know it's true, but I still hate it. Well, at least I was not thrown out. That has been done once, and that was just not fun. I think the only reason that didn't happen this time, is because of the terrible cold. Bitter cold. Kerosene, keeps me warm, how I love to watch it burn. I love to watch things burn. It makes me feel warm, not just the extremetys, but a deep inner warmpth. The kind that lingers for a while. I must make my escape soon. But I have little time to think of what I can do, need to do. Thier must be a more gracefull way to do this. Although I do not know what it is. I am going to sleep on the couch tonnite. I wonder if this josh person holdes more meaning to her than I. Little time remains here. Oddly enough, I can get to PA fully by memory. Thank god I can do that. I can get anywhere by memory. At least any place I have been before. What my current train of though is, is to get my CDL, and drive for a living. That way I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Will be making a living, and will also be able to continue searching. EOF