System shock 1/3

Well, it's finnly happend, A bit sooner than I had hoped, one of my little sisters is growing up. Much faster than expected. I'm not shure if I realy like it, but what am I to do? But, she seems to be doing it a bit faster than I would like. I had my suspicions that something like this has been going on for quite some time, gatherd from the way things are said, and lots of other Areas. But I still don't like it. A 14 year old girl should not be sexualy active... It make me depressed, makes me think I could have done something to prevent it. But after all the thoughts are done, I realize that thier is nothing I could have done to change this. Well, that is not exactly true, but nothing good that I could have done that would have made things any better. I wonder if her mom knows she is on the pill, I mean, with the way that kind of thing is setup, I don't know how she could not know. Nevertheless, confusion has set in, I debated about driving down there as soon as I have a vechicle, to see if I can help, but I realy can't do anything...For several reasons, it's realy not my place, I don't want to be the badguy, and I don't know what I could do. But I would still like to jump down there, and chat about it over a nice hot cup of coffee, and lots of smokes. What I want to do, and what can actualy be done though are completely diffrent things. I could pull it off, but I would be running on a shoestring...but it could be done, but the benifit that I would recive from such would not be that great, not that great realy. I'm realy fucking suprized that this happend this soon.. I assume at this point that this has been happening for a couple months now, at least. It makes me sad, and depressed. But thier is not much I can do. I was also told that this whole thing is very hush-hush...hmm...not shure about that either...but I will do my best to respect her wishes...Still hard though...I'd hate to see what her brother would have to say about this. I think the result would be somebody getting hurt quite bad, more than a few people, realy. If I was her real brother, not just a sorta addopted kind, I would probably go down there, and ask the guy what the hell he is doing, and, most likely end up beating him within a few inches of his life, and pretty much make him never try anything with anybody ever again...Pretty much to the point htat he has to ask me if he can use the bathroom, eat, and such...Basicly make him into some sorta millitary grunt. But, by doing that, I would also cause other problems...some leagal, some moral, some emotional. What it realy comes down to though, is I don't want to see her get hurt from this, and as much as I hate to say it, I feel that she has a pretty good chance of that happening. But We can't be there all the time to clean up the messes, and nobody lives perfecet lives, I know that much too well. My first thought when I heard this was, *FUCK!*. It was more of a shock that anything else realy. It has been dulely noted that thier is nothing that I can realy do, other than be a friend...and that is probably the thing that is best. Right now it's inportant, but when this situation tuns from bad to worse, it will be of the upmost inportance. Other than that I just don't know what to do, but, at least I have my head about me, and know what I shouldn't do. I'm not going to lecture, for that will just make things between us tense, and will not accomplish anything at all, or what little it does would not be worth it. Asside from being a frined, and shoulder to cry on, I can give her advice. I have done a lot of dumb things in my past, and I should hope others can learn from my mistakes. At one point in time I was in a relationship based on nothing but sex, and it sucked. Quite frankly at this point, I realy don't care about sex all that much...I wouldn't mind it, but I don't try to get it, I even pass up offers, just because I don't want to deal witht he emotional bagage that comes along with it...even casual sex still caries a heavy load of baggage. And the risks are just not worth it. I mean, that's one of the reasons that we are able to get ourselves off...it solves a lot of problems. Thier is no emotional baggae tht comes along with that...well, ususaly anyway...if you focus on people you know, while doing it, it can have some, but not as much, but still more than wanted...that's why porn exists...and if you need pron to get off, you realy didn't need to get off in the first place...Plus, casual sex makes real sex with someone you truely care about a bit diluted. Not quite as specal, or inportant. I don't realy know thouh, I'm just a realy wierd guy in a trench coat. I think at this point I'm going to jump on my skateboard, and clear my mind, I need to do that realy badly...

Back from skateboarding, feel much better...bottomed out a few times, but that's pretty normal. Skateboarding is kina like zen. You must clear your mind, and be one with the board, I crashed&burned, because my mind was not entierly clear. But the pain from crashing helps clear the mind. Puts Makes you feel real, when boarding, nothing matters, but you, the board, and the crete yer serfing on. Very relaxing experence. But when I stoped, the thoughts returned. But I'm feeling a bit better about the situation, it could be a *LOT* worse. At least she's not sleeping around with random guys, shes just got a 'fuck slave' as she put it. It would make me feel a litte better though, if she actualy liked him. But partsaly I see this situation as a problem of convenence. They spend a lot fo time togehter due to thier respective parents choices, and due to this, they must find something to pass the time, but fucking is not the best option IMHO. It's kina like playing russan rulete...but with totaly diffrent stakes. At least they are close in age range. That at least makes it more socaly acceptable. Heh, and her mother was scared to have me hanging around her...At least I have my morals, and Convictions...Not quite normal, but still not bad at all. It could be a lot worse though. As I try to piture this guy, I get an immage of an immiture, slightly overweight/pudgy 15 yearold... Not the best picture to have in my mind. "It hurts, and it won't make you better" -- NIN...A lot of things are like that. But., they quite often make you stronger, not so much as better. But strength comes with pain, and responsiblity. Not to mention self-control. This seems to be one thing that she is lacking in the current act. Self-control is a harld learned lesson, but once you have it, you can do a myrad of things. It's simply quite amazing. I don't know what to say about it. I'm still quite perplexed that this happend in the first place, not so much that it happend, but so soon...She's a fucking genuies, and quite mature, but still lacks some of the finite qualitys that are required to properly deal with something of this sort. But, as this act plays out, she will hopefully gather these finite talents...It is of the upmost inportance. I truely hope she understands this. I will try best to give her the advice that I think will help, but I can only do so much, and I am 1500 miles away. So, I realy don't have any way to truely see what is going on there. At least not from the perspective that I would like. Could be a whole lot worse though. I am glad it's not...Thank the gods for that...In this whole situation, I'm taking the big brother approach, but more as a very laid back brother...I want to hel p keep her out of trouble, But if she decides she wants to learn a lesson the heard way, Unless it's going to *TRUELY* fuck up her life, I will probably let her. Luckely, most lessons will just cause little problems to happen, but not fully fuck up a life. But sometimes it's hard to till till it's way too late. The line can be very grey...Hard to determine. Hmm, I'm about to hit the 4k limit again soon. I need to find a patch for memopad. Heh, it was never desinged for Masive text entry. Just as a light use notepad. I use it otherwise though. It works, but, it sucks.

Ok, I'm at 8k now. Lots of typing on my pilot. I need to get a newton keyboard so I can do this anywhere...It's much nicer than carryng my notebook around. I was planning on going down there around chrismas, or, more accuretly, over chrismas vacation, But that may be expediated due to the current circumstances, or may not be. I don't know yet, I need to spend more time working all this out. Hmm...I was right, it wasn't the software I'm using to do this, it was the fucking keyboard type rate on this dumb win95 keyboard. It caused me to type slow...only sent the charcters so fast, and I filled the buffer quite often, causing me to have to retype things. I hate when shit like that happens. Ok, well, at this poing, I'm rambeling quite a bit, but that's quite alright. I tend to ramble a lot, and somebody may, or may not find it entertaining. You just never know. But, all and all, I'm feeling better about the whole situation...at least a bit.

Time

+--+

All good things come in time

Not a good reason to whine

All things happen for a reason

Like, the changing of the season

Sometimes it causes pain

Often something to gain

Still, sometimes it's sad

But it's not all totaly bad

Hmm, that's good, KEYz cleas the serial buffer when it's activated. I like that, it's just good coding. I'm concerned for her wellbeing, but don't want to cause any more problems that nessary. So, for the most part I will try to stay out of the way, and try to help out when asked. But that is hard to do. Then dave is being a dick about the whole thing too, he's like 'if she's giveing it out, can I have some?'...he realy pisses me off a lot. But, at least I have learned to deal with him...for the most part. Oh well...It will work out

EOF