So, what's the next step? This is one of the many questions that eludes me.

I know what I want, and I know how to get there...But, there are many things in the way. Things that I have no control over.

Life was so simple when I was a kid, but I would have told you diffrent, if you asked then.

What's changed?

Most everything. And, very little. Depending on how you look at it.

My personality has definitly changed. Right along with my prioritys.

The prioritys where the big thing. The personality just changed along naturaly. I've become much more mellow, but still get realy excited at times. At least I've learned to control it.

I've learned pactence. Very inportant thing to have, if you want to be sane. Or, at least some semblence of it. Some thing you have to wait for. If you rush them, then you let them slip through your fingertips. Especaly the more inportant things.

I'm not driven nearly as much now by sex. It's nice when it happens, but not worth it in most cases.

Power is no longer very inportant. Or, not nearly as inportant. As of this point, I'd much rather be the guy in back watching, sometimes pulling the strings. Never realy being seen. Never realy beeing known. Almost to the point of being invisible. But, not quite.

Friends have changed as time goes on also. Now, I have a very select few. They are very inportant to me. And, I truely care about them. I want them to be happy, sometimes a bit too much. More often that I should, I do things to help them at my own hurt. But, it's worth it. For, it will come back around again. It has in the past, and will continue to in the future.

But, some things still remain the same. I'm still full of dark thoughts, and depression. I've become better at controling it, as to not be hurt from it. But, it still remains. Drives me crazy at times, more often than you probably want to know.

I belive that this is helping. Writeing my thoughts down. It makes me feel better. It gives me hope. Lets others know how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if letting others read these files is a good idea. Sometimes it makes me wonder.

Specificly, in the case of delphi. She's going to find out things about me that she may not want to know. Most inportantly, how I feel about her, and thoughts that have occured. Scares the hell out of me. But, it will work out. She has it uppon herself to read all of them. A good way into it already.

I'm pretty shure of how she feels about me, that's why I haven't directly told her about these things. It's not the right time. But, the time will come, and we will see what happens.

I'm currently at the coffee house up in lincon. Drove myself here, in my truck. Breaking many, many laws to do it. I survived the journy up here, and the journy back should be no more troublesome. Quite nerve racking, but not a problem.

You wouldn't belive how hard it is to drive. After doing it long enough, it becomes second nature. But, since I haven't driven in quite some time, especaly a stick shift. It was tiresome, yet enjoyable. It's not like rideing a bike. Or, maby it is. It all came back to me, but it happend quite slowly. Takeing it's sweet time. After about an hour, I was driving with one hand, pretty comfterble. But, the breaks are still not what I'd like them to be. Good enough for lincon traffic, just not realy sudden, unexpected stops. Realy hope I don't have to make any of those today. Don't want to get into any sort of accident, even a small one. Way more trouble than I want to deal with.

I think i'm smokeing crack or something. Somebody just walked in that bears a strikeing resemblence to yuna. But, after a second look isn't. Too bad I already waved at her to get attention. Now I feel embaresed. In many ways, i'm glad it wasn't her. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and would be quite happy if I didn't ever see her again. Last time I ran into her was at best-buy. Was realy wierd. Brightsun and I needed some help in a section, and she happend to be the person in that section to help us, and ironicly the only person working in that section at the time. The entire time was realy uncomfterble. It didn't make me happy, but she was quite cival about the whole thing. I appriciate that very much from her.

Body style, and hair was the same, even the style of dress. But, when she opend her mouth. The accent was so diffrent. Almost british.

Maby it would be a good idea to stay on topic. But, with me, it's probably not going to happen.

Wispers in the night.

If you listen quietly, you can hear them. But, only for a short while. Then they fade back into the night.

It's monday, not that it means much. It means nothing. Even though most of the world cares about it. It doesn't make it any more inportant.

Thier has been some seriously wierd shit going on lately. I'm not shure what to think about it. I get information that I would have been much happyer not knowing, but I still want to know it. I would rather be upset/saddend by the information than think everything was perfect. Mostly because I know that everything is *NOT* perfect. It's far from it. Perfect happens only in a persons dreams. No bearing on reality whatsoever. Just like TV.

Y2K is almost uppon us. When it gets here, nothing will change. (other than the date) I can't belive how people are going on about how much trouble it's going to cause. It's not a big deal. The only people it will hurt, are those running shitty operating sytems written by morons. IE:anything by microsoft. But, even that is no big deal. Everybody will just have to learn to live with it.

Grin your teeth and bear it.

Life goes on, you just have to react in appropriate ways. The hardest part, is deciding what appropriate realy is. Rarely is it clean cut, black and white. Especaly when deeling with emotons. This sucks very much for a person such as myself, who is usto dealing with computers on a daily basis. I can handle that. It never gets mad at you, and can never hate you. People ae much diffrent. You use them wrong, they get mad. You don't say the right words, they get pissed. They get attached to each other. They have futures. Hopes, dreams, asperations. Things that a computer will never have.

They talk about AI being all the shit, but it's not going to be. No matter how good it comes off looking, it's still just a piece of code. Written by some guy who probably doesn't understand what's he's doing anyway.

In my search, I'm looking for a girl to share the rest of my life with. Not just any girl. But someone specal. Somebody who understands most of the things I do. Somebody who doesn't want to know some of the things I've done. Somebody who understands that some things are best not being known. Granted very few, but some. So, in my great search, why do I keep looking in the same plaes? Maby it's because I've already found her. It could also be due to me being a creature of habbit. In part, I sit and wait for the answer to show it's self. As, I know it will. Hopefully before long, because I'm going mad.

The last thing I want, is to die alone. Totaly alone, and unloved. It's my worst fear.

If i play my cards right, it won't happen though. But, that is a subject for another file, or, more accuretly, a subject that I will never put in a file. For, it doing so, I would not be playing right. It would ruin the plans.

We need to talk.

We do, but not yet.

I don't understand.

You will, when the time comes

(speachless)

In the meantime, we will get the other things worked out. At least part of the way.

I hope so.

As do I.

-------------------------------------

Make the rounds.

It's inportant to keep some sort of routine. Even if it's pointless. It helps sanity to hang around.

I'm doing pretty good today with smokeing. About a pack in the last 24 hours. Better than ususal.

That's ritch.

Do you realy want to know what's going on?

Yes, and don't sugar coat it this time, you realy good at that, and it's getting old.

He can tell it straight out, if you want him to, but I don't think it's what you realy want.

The answer is so obvious, i'm suprized you haven't noticed yet.

You can't see the forest because of all the trees...

But, I do want to know! I realy do.

Sometimes what you want, is something that you don't need. Quite often not knowing is much better than actualy knowing.

I don't think it's right for you to know yet. But, I will tell you when the time is right.

Hmmph!

You will understand then.

I know, but the wait, it's soo long! It's realy getting to me.

I know, it's getting to us to, but the end result may be worth all the hard work.

I shure hope so.

As we all do.

We share feel your pain.

So, what do we do in the meantime?

That's something that we will have to workout. We have ideas, but are unshure which is the right path to take. The answers should show themselves before long.

Before it's too late.

If we don't screw it up.

Maby we will become one again. But I somehow doubt this.

I'm not shure if I want to do that, things are much more entertaining this way. Where never realy lonely.

Even if where the only person in a place, we still have someone to talk to.

First off, we should calm down a bit, i think we're starting to draw attention.

You may be right, but this is part of the process. And, it's not like we can do much to stop it.

You just had one!

I like to smoke, sorry...

I know, I'm just giving you shit. You need it. And, you enjoy getting it.

True

I'm thinking it would be a good idea to be leaving here before long.

I'm getting hungry.

We will probably get chinese after we get through here. Not much longer.

He has to leave sometime, this is his last smoke.

What was I saying?

Something about chinese food?

No, that wasn't it, but a good idea. We might actualy do that.

Please!

Ok, but don't gourge yourself this time, it's embaresing.

This time they don't just splp back into the recesses of his mind, they stay fully active.

EOF